I have debated over and over again whether or not to write a blog
post about this. I am the type of person that tends to keep things private and
to deal with things on my own. For some reason I have had the thought maybe I
should blog this experience. So, if this post is not just for me to cope with
what has happened more than anything I really hope maybe someone out there will
benefit from it.
At the beginning of the year Spencer and I
really started to throw around the idea of when we wanted to start a family.
Quite honestly, we both have been a little petrified to make this change. We
love our life. We love our freedom of being able to do what we want when we
want. But we both knew that the time was coming and that we would have to rely
on the Lord and have some faith; so we did just that. At the beginning of May
we went on clomid (a fertility drug- we were blessed to know before had that I
had some issues and it would take a little extra help to get us pregnant). Two
weeks after that we went back to the doctor and he checked to see how things
were going and was pleased to see that one egg had matured. He prescribed us a
drug that would help me ovulate the egg. That night I gave myself a shot and literally
the next day I ovulated. Instantly, my body was changing. Not trying to get our
hopes up we both thought that the symptoms I was experiencing were from the
shot of hormones I gave to myself. We also thought there is no way we are
pregnant because the doctor said it could be anywhere from 3-6 months before we
might get pregnant because my hormones were so out of whack.
Two weeks after the shot we took a pregnancy test. For all of you
out there that have never taken a pregnancy test I was a little naïve to the
whole situation myself. Devastated, we were convinced that the test was
negative because there was only a slight second line. Well, on my way to work
that night I called one of my really good friends Lisa and told her what
happened and she brought me up to speed that even a slight line is a positive
test. After getting over my blonde moment I was ecstatic! All of those feelings
of fear had disappeared and were replaced with excitement. But just for my own
piece of mind I took another test the next day after waking up and it was definitely
positive.
Being the sneaky wife I am I decided that I wouldn’t tell Spencer
yet and I would figure out a way to surprise him. I called the doctor’s office
and told them the good news and they said they wanted to verify the results
with a blood test. This was a nerve racking experience as I waited for a nurse
to call me back with those results. Luckily enough the nurse delivered the good
news that Spencer and I were pregnant.
Now that I knew it was really for sure I started devising a plan
of how to surprise Spencer. That week we
were leaving for Tennessee to visit Spencer’s brother and his family. All of
the sudden it hit me; I would have one of the flight attendants announce it on
the plane. It was all arranged- I wrote a note to the attendant and gave it to
her. You can see how this all went down… What a priceless moment!
Once we hit six and half weeks the doctor wanted to do a
viability ultra sound just to make sure that the baby was growing properly. For
some reason I was really uneasy about this whole situation. Even as we sat in
the doctor’s office Spencer looked at me and asked “Aren’t you excited?”. No
matter what he said I couldn’t shake the anxiety I felt. They finally called us
back to the exam room and it seemed like hours before the doctor actually came
in. As the doctor performed the ultrasound he was being really quiet. Not being
able to stand one more second of silence I said “Ok so what do you see”. The
doctor then replied “I am so sorry Nicole but I am having a hard time finding
the baby. I can see the amniotic sac and placenta but I just don’t see a baby”.
My heart dropped… No baby? What? How is that even possible? Well, believe it or
not it really happens. It is called an “anembryonic pregnancy.” What this means
is that the fertilized egg attached to the wall of the uterus, and while it may
have begun to develop a placenta, it didn’t develop into an embryo.
Words cannot describe how Spencer and I felt. When the
doctor left the room so I could change, we both burst into tears. We definitely
experienced all the stages of grief. First we were depressed, then just straight
up mad. Once we started to come to terms with what had happened we reflected on
other people on our lives who had gone through the same thing or worse. We
decided to follow their amazing examples.
This experience has changed us forever. It is amazing how
much more compassion you feel for others who have been in your same shoes. It
has been a testimony to both Spencer and I how the Lord places certain people
on our lives for a reason and gives us these trials not only for our benefit
but for the benefit of others. I think that the world doesn’t give enough empathy
for couples that miscarry. I know I sure didn’t before this experience. It is
an extremely difficult thing no matter how far along you were in your
pregnancy.
Honestly, I didn’t want to tell anyone and neither did
Spencer. We didn’t even want to tell our families but I knew my mother would
have my head if I didn’t tell her. When I told her about the situation she told
me that I needed to tell people so that they could pray and emphasize with us.
She also told me that there are people out there who know exactly how I felt
and that I should rely on them for guidance and support. How true my mother’s
wisdom was.
I decided that it would be appropriate to tell my brother
who is on his mission. Brandon told me to read a scripture; it is D&C
122:7- it reads:
7 And if thou shouldst be cast into
the apit,
or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if
thou be cast into the bdeep; if
the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy;
if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to chedge up
the way; and above all, if the very jaws of dhell shall
gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things
shall give theeeexperience,
and shall be for thy good.
How grateful I am for the scriptures. What a comfort. As
hard as this trial was it will be for our benefit. I am so grateful to have
the knowledge that I have of the gospel. Knowing that my Savior not only suffered
for the sins of the world but for every other emotion and experience we go
through helped me cope with this situation. Our Savior knows each and every one
of us and he is the one we should turn to with whatever happens- for he knows
how you feel.
As much as this whole experience sucked (sorry I don’t have
a better word to describe it) I know that good will come from it. For anyone
who reads this and experiences this horrible situation sometime in your life,
know that everything happens for a reason and that there is a light at the end
of the dark tunnel.
